Sexcapades notwithstanding, we’re not pregnant. Enter: Monthly period and menstrual cramps from hell compounded by the realization that this business of getting knocked up is, in the best of circumstances, going to take a hot second. And, oh yeah, there’s this.
- When are you going to have babies? Assumptious, no? Yes! It is. Because even if you’ve wanted to be somebody’s mommy since the first time you played house with your Cabbage Patch dolls, it’s entirely possible that your gal there isn’t that interested in parenthood. Or hates kids! Or can’t have any! You know what they say about people who assume, so don’t do it!
- You’re not going to have kids just yet, are you? You’ve got to [insert projected expectation here like, for example, put some money away or own your own home or work for a few years or be a couple of years older]. Again, assumptious. Very. Not least of which an inquiry like this presumes you’re in a position to tell somebody who’s not your partner when or in what order they should organize their lives. Newsflash: You’re probably not.
- Just wait! Kids [insert truth about children here, like, say, they’re expensive or they contribute to many sleepless nights]. Look, your logic about why it’s important to hold tight to one’s panties is probably pretty sound especially if you’re a parent. You’ve been there. You are there. You know what this involves, and you only want the best for her! Yet, dear Well-Meaning Friend or Family Member of Someone With Ovaries, trust that most of us smart, savvy, grown-up types will have already carefully considered our decision and…well, we just don’t like to be told what to do!
- When I got pregnant it was like snap! Just call me Fertile Myrtle! Yeah, no thanks. Comments like this one perpetuate the myth that getting knocked up is as simple as flushing your birth control pills. There’s more to it than that. Don’t believe me? I present, Nova’s “Miracle of Life.”
- “Trying” to conceive is silly. Just don’t even think about it, and it’ll happen for you. That’s how it happened for me! Good for you. And lucky for you, in fact, because women in their 20s have less than a 25 percent chance of getting knocked up every month if they’re having perfectly-timed intercourse! Women over 30? Fifteen percent at best. Over 35? Five percent in any given month! Five percent. No biggie except in that if, like me, you want to maximize your chances of having a kid, say, this year, you may prefer not to leave things entirely to chance. And what is so freaking wrong with that? Answer: Nothing.
- I want me a grandbaby/niece/nephew/cousin. And I want me a kid, but slow your roll, Ma! Here’s the thing. First, this is a lot to ask of somebody: Have me a baby, dammit! Having babies is tough stuff. Tough on the body. Tough on the mind. Not yours, mind you. Mine. Think, for a second, what it means to have a baby. The weight gain. The sore vajajay. The drippy nips. The sleep deprivation. The raging hormones. In my case: A shot of anticoagulant to the ass once a day for nearly 10 months. (Ahem: See previous entry.) Bottom line. A. Lot. To. Ask. Some would say too much.