Well, today I got word from Mom that we will soon be starting a process that will inform us (we hope) just why you aren’t in our lives yet. We’ve been trying really hard to make it happen, you know? We found out just last week that 11 tries to make you exist didn’t cut it. We will need to take some extra measures to get to hang out with you. That is fine with me. I would do just about anything to make you real. It looks like I am going to have to share a very intimate moment with a little plastic cup in a very un-inviting little room. Mom may have to be poked, prodded, probed and other uncomfortable things that start with a “p.” Fine. Just do us a favor will ya, be fruitful, swim, ignore the scar tissue, dodge the obstacles, cuddle up. I promise it will be worth your efforts.
Your mother and I will be the best parents we can be. I will read to you every night from the time you are just a little zygote till the day you tell me to stop. (I hope you like Roald Dahl and the Harry Potter books!) I will make sure I am not working when you have soccer games or the like so I can be there to cheer you on or even coach your team. Your birthdays are going to be so fun that you will look forward to your next one the day after your last. It will be your “most favorite day of the year.” (If it’s not, don’t tell Mom.) In the fall, we’ll go apple-picking; I will hold you up high so you can grab the apple at the very top of the tree. When we come home, we will make a very delicious apple pie and eat it when it is still warm with some ice cream. You might not always have the best or most expensive Halloween costume, but we are going to have so much fun dressing up and trick-or-treating you’ll never want to grow up. In the winter, we’ll go sleigh-riding and make snow(w0)men and maybe I’ll even teach you to ski. (If you want to learn to snowboard, I guess we’ll have to buy you lessons!) In the spring, we’ll start taking bike-rides again. We’ll go kite-flying and play in the rain. Then come summer, we’ll go to the beach and, if we’re still in New England, I’ll suck it up and get in the water no matter how cold it is just so you have someone to swim with.
I will help you with your math homework. Your mom will help you write your papers. I will show you how to win at Jeopardy and your mom will show you how to make the cat not scratch you all the time. All your favorite things will be ours. And, if they’re not, hearing about your favorites will be our favorite. Man, do we love you!
Bottom line here, Kid, is that we’re ready for you, and we’re stoked to finally get some answers about why you’ve been avoiding us. Hopefully I’ve convinced you just how cool we’ll be as ‘rents. Hopefully you’re stoked enough about us to get to it.
PS) Public apology to your mother for the grump I’ve been throughout this ordeal. Sorry, Mom.