Insemination Day.

At 10:42am this past Wednesday, amidst the ferocious ice storm we braved for just this occasion, the first of two vials of Projected Pops was introduced into the likes of my anteverted uterus via a procedure known as intrauterine insemination (IUI) or, if you prefer the antiquated and un-PC term heralded by people who like to point out/disparage the obvious, artificial insemination. Whatever. Point is, we just improved our odds of knocked-uppedness between 10 and 25 percent. That’s up from zero.

And in case you’re curious, here’s how this works.

Dude – in this case, Projected Pops – produces a sperm sample to a backdrop of dirty movies while dudette (ahem, me) peruses a dated copy of Martha Stewart’s Living in the waiting room. Post hook-up with cup, the sample is “washed” clean of less than Herculean swimmers. Then, approximately an hour later, dudette is escorted into a little room where Rachel-The-Nurse-Practitioner tells her to derobe from the hips down save the colorful knee socks she wore to highlight the fact that she approaches this here situation with the same snark as she’s approached Infertility itself. Nurse practitioner debriefs with couple regarding the relative potency of the sample. (It’s potent! Clomid works!?!) Dudette lays atop heated exam table, rests stocking feet in stirrups and covers her below-the-waist nudity with a paper blanket. Nurse practitioner approaches with said sample which – trivia! – is tinted pink in the filtering process. Scooch your butt lower. Lower. Good. Now relax your knees. Dude holds dudette’s hand. (Intimacy! Don’t let anyone tell you different.) Nurse practitioner identifies the cervical opening through prodding around with gloved fingers and the end of a sperm-containing catheter. Dudette experiences mild pain, something like cramps, which nurse practitioner says is a sign that she’s right where she needs to be. Nurse practitioner depresses a button on the other end of the catheter. Super swimmers go swoosh. Dudette lays still, hips raised off the table, for the next 15 minutes. Dudette gets dressed. Dude and dudette leave fertility clinic with instructions to “act pregnant,” go back to work, commence two-week wait.

“Act pregnant.” Akin to, “Make believe you’re a princess.” A positive pregnancy test would make this easier.

About Projected Progenitor

Projected (adj.) (prə-ˈjekt-ed): From the 15th Century Anglo-French 'projector,' from Latin 'projectus.' Devised in the mind, predicted. Progenitor (n.) (prō-ˈje-nə-tər): Middle English, from the 14th Century Anglo-French 'progenitour,' from Latin 'progenitor,' meaning 'to beget.' An ancestor in the direct line, foreparent.
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