You say goodbye, I say…

On Thursday, we learned the research program that we hoped might benefit from the last of our embryos was no longer accepting donations. So we stopped off at the clinic to bring her home.

There, the chief embryologist showed us where she’d been living these past five months: in a vat full of liquid nitrogen, alive with smoke and possibilities.  It was the single most incredible, beautiful thing I ever saw, and I was a little overcome. Our baby-on-the-way was like this once, and now (s)he lives in my uterus!

And so, what for all her awesome, she deserves a proper send-off.

The big idea: When the bubula-in-my-belly turns one, we’ll return to that little sitting spot in Blue Hill where – when prepared to try absolutely anything once – we sat one afternoon, desperate and sad, stuffing and sewing little satchels full of “magic” herbs and crystals we scored at a Wiccan gift shop in Salem a few weeks prior. (“You got anything here that can help a couple of Jewish infertiles get knocked up?” And the gal behind the counter handed us a half dozen dime bags full of potpourri and hope.) In that place, we intend to celebrate the kid we have and bury the one we never met.

For now, though, she’ll live in a planter on our garden windowsill.

Meanwhile, there’s this.

The Igmeister says s’up.

(S)he’s got discernible fingers attached to a perfectly formed little hand on long arms that quite resemble the father’s! And a mouth that opens and shuts in preparation for all the talking (s)he’ll do, like…y’know me.

But wait, there’s more!

Doc was able to predict quite early  – and with something like 93% accuracy! – that we’re having a…

Anxious that testicles are going to fall off, or a vagina’s going to develop a penis, we’re not telling until post-18-week anatomy scan. Plus, truth be told, I’m not sure we really care if what’s growing in there is a boy, a girl or a pygmy marmoset if (s)he’s as healthy as all this.

(S)he’s growing up so fast!


About Projected Progenitor

Projected (adj.) (prə-ˈjekt-ed): From the 15th Century Anglo-French 'projector,' from Latin 'projectus.' Devised in the mind, predicted. Progenitor (n.) (prō-ˈje-nə-tər): Middle English, from the 14th Century Anglo-French 'progenitour,' from Latin 'progenitor,' meaning 'to beget.' An ancestor in the direct line, foreparent.
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11 Responses to You say goodbye, I say…

  1. wow, you already have a BABY in there, and not just a cute little nugget-with-a-heartbeat! Hope you’re feeling well.

  2. Mom says:

    What a beautiful grandchild we’re going to have!!!

  3. Leslie says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’ll never get to meet your other little one. On the flip side, what beautiful ultrasound photos!

  4. Wow! Great idea to wait to tell the sex. A friend had a baby boy that wore pink his first 3 months. Congratulations, mommy!

  5. Keirstin says:

    This is beautiful! Y’all are going to be amazing parents!

  6. Congratulations! Checking in from SITS!

  7. Love both ultrasound pics! (And I wouldn’t mind me a pygmy marmoset … a baby, too, but those things are so darned cute!)

  8. I used to look at the little embryos in the glass case in the Science Hall at college and wonder about their lives and how they got there. Taking her home says a lot about you and your husband and your love. I wish your family a very happy new year full of great joy!

  9. Wow, your story is amazing – thanks for sharing it with everyone. The ttc road is so long….and full of dashed hopes. Congratulations on your LO. Hope everything goes well; and, remember to get a pulse/ox test for your newborn before you leave the hospital. thanks!

  10. Jamie says:

    Makes me a bit sad that your other embryo will never have a chance to grow but I am incredibly impressed that you call “it” a “her” and you are honoring her by giving her a proper burial when your child turns one. That says so much! Most people would simply tell the lab to throw the embryo away. To be honest, I’m not sure I would even think to give an embryo a burial. Good for you! Congrats on your growing baby! I hope (s)he is everything you imagine her/him to be!

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