I am preggo, hear me roar.

In these nearly 16 weeks, I’ve decided my experience of knocked-uppedness is maybe one of the most empowering of my life: right up there with living abroad, delivering a commencement address and passing the bar exam.

Here’s why: Pregnancy makes me think more thoughtfully about well…everything. It forces me to consider the world, and the people in it, in terms of my almost-kid. And it causes me to say out loud the stuff most normal people would just sort of keep in their  heads. Noteworthy: I’m traditionally a little reserved, circumspect.

Whether thanks to progesterone or pending parenthood, however, I can’t seem to help myself. I feel I already have an obligation to this kid. I mean, sure, I know our fetus isn’t actually going to hear me for another couple of weeks – and when (s)he does I’ll probably sound like that teacher in Peanuts – but I’m already busy setting precedent. Mama will ward off many things retrograde nuts and unacceptable in your honor!

The other day, for example, I called the cops on a dipshit.

Police dispatcher (serious): 911-emergency. What’s your emergency?

Me (chipper): Oh hi! I’d like to report a dipshit.

Police dispatcher (serious): A what, ma’am?

Me (chipper): A dipshit. I’m driving south on 95 between mile marker [such-and-such and such-and-such] and I just witnessed a middle-aged Caucasian male, a speeder in a greenish-colored Escort, circa 2002, nearly sideswipe two vehicles before forcing a third, mine, off the road. So do you think you can get someone to verify for me whether he’s drunk, reckless or just stupid?

Police dispatcher (serious): Yes, ma’am.  Radio 435, come in, we have a report of a…

Me (chipper): A dipshit.

Police dispatcher (serious): A…reckless driver.

I missed my exit on purpose to watch him get pulled over for speeding a half mile out. Justified, fulfilled, I thought how absolutely marvelous, and extremely convenient,  it would be if I could call the cops on everyone who acts a fool or talks nonsense.

But the thing with fools and nonsense is it’s not always this “out there,” this global.  Sometimes it lives in your own back yard. It calls you on the telephone. Or it knocks on your door. Or you run into it at the mall despite your best efforts to avert your gaze and make like you don’t see it coming and screaming your name.

I guess, in such instances, because you can only ward off many (not all) things retrograde nuts and unacceptable, you pick your battles and they pick their poison. Hear this if you value your life: I’m actually pregnant (not fat in the uterus), and I tried very hard to get like this. So there. 

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About Projected Progenitor

Projected (adj.) (prə-ˈjekt-ed): From the 15th Century Anglo-French 'projector,' from Latin 'projectus.' Devised in the mind, predicted. Progenitor (n.) (prō-ˈje-nə-tər): Middle English, from the 14th Century Anglo-French 'progenitour,' from Latin 'progenitor,' meaning 'to beget.' An ancestor in the direct line, foreparent.
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5 Responses to I am preggo, hear me roar.

  1. YMR says:

    OMG this made me laugh out loud at work. I had to share with my M.I.L (Mother in Law). We will be starting the hormone part of our IVF cycle in Feb and your blog has provided a lot of information, answered a lot of questions. I am hopeful, thanks, in part, to you.

    Ps. I wanna call 911 to report a dipshit now.
    Thanks

  2. If it were possible to actually call the police on every dipshit I encounter every day and have the police (or anybody) do something about them, they’d probably have to raise taxes. Perhaps there could just be a dipshit squad? Maybe a volunteer one but, they could carry tasers or stun guns in order to enforce. I’m so impressed that your cop actually followed through and pulled that dipshit over. That must have given you great satisfaction. I know it would me! Pregnancy hormones are enablers of the best kind. You go girl!

  3. Mom says:

    One of my favorite words is dipshit, and this made my day.

  4. Sadly I think if I were to call the police about a dipshit in ATL, they’d laugh and say yup. Every driver here is. But man watching that ticket encounter would have been awesome!

  5. Jenny says:

    That was completely awesome.

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