The homecoming.

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, we bought a big green house. I could stop there. But I won’t. Because I’d like to tell you the story of that green house that, by the time you’re old enough to read this, you’ll probably just call “home.” This is the story of our homecoming.

Ten years ago, I was traipsing around the Bronx fresh off the heels of an interview for my dream job. All my life was for this: To be a single girl in the big city, eating roasted chestnuts out of a wax paper funnel and listening to some old man playing jazz saxophone from his front stoop. Except for, of course, it wasn’t. And that feeling like there was something, someone, someplace else waiting on me is the reason I decided if (when, it turned out) I was offered that job, I’d politely decline. And that’s precisely what I did.

A month later, I moved to metro Boston somewhat on a whim (my great-grandma and her grandmother and her grandmother before her and so on and so on all the way back to the Pilgrims lived there so maybe there was something to it). I took a job that was different from anything I thought I wanted – until I did. I worked a 2:00-11:00pm second shift doing impossible work for next to no money  – right alongside this guy who’d grow up to be your dad.  I had just enough to cover the rent for a studio apartment in a left of nowhere town nearby my job and no one I really knew. Not in those days. My unit was sandwiched between a sex offender on the right and a family, newly-arrived from India, on the left: eight people in 400 square feet, whose cooking always smelled better than the Ramen I microwaved for lunch. In that space, which your grandparents helped to furnish, I used to watch late-night TV by myself. I used my renter’s insurance (the infamous Leak Flood of Thanksgiving Weekend 2004!) for the first time there. I lost my favorite necklace in the parking lot. (It was a thin gold chain with a charm shaped like a windmill with moving parts, a souvenir from the year I lived in Amsterdam.) I never found it. I still miss it. I hosted boys for an overnight (your dad and this weird/wonderful kid named Eric, after a moe show). They splattered shake-and-serve pancake mix on the wall. I was still cleaning up after them when I moved out.

A half hour away, on the outskirts of Boston, your dad was living in a one-bedroom, second-story walk-up, which he leased from an Indian-American family whose cooking always smelled better than the cigarettes he still smoked in those days. It had black-and-white barber shop vinyl floors and Dead Head tapestries for curtains. There, we used to sit on a futon in front of a tube TV and eat dumplings.

The next year, more in like but not having uttered those three magical words that, by our moral compasses, justified cohabitation, we decided not to live together – just closer together. I moved into this even smaller apartment in a brownstone down the street from him. I spent next to no time there (ah, young love!) but loved it when I did. I loved that I could hear people talking at the bus stop below my kitchen/living/dining room window. I loved the way I could snag a Thai tofu wrap at 2:00am. I loved the way I could walk to the T. I loved the way your dad and I didn’t have to commute a half hour to have a sleepover. Around that time, we both changed jobs that – if we’re being frank – were probably a little less fun but paid appreciably more money for working the standard nine-to-five. We ate dinner together almost every night. (We graduated from Ramen to Zateran’s jambalaya.) We used to take walks to a place called Prospect Hill Park. On the Fourth of July, we saw fireworks that shot off so close to the crowds that we left covered in ash. In that place, on the nights we were apart, we used to message one another on the “AIM.” That was a thing. In that place, I opened the mail to a law school acceptance letter. In that place,  we agreed it was time to share one. We finally said “I love you.”

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So, the year after that, we moved together to a place right down the street from my brownstone and dad’s one bedroom with the barber shop floors. The ad described it as a “not-to-be-missed, old, Victorian home!” Note the exclamation mark. (We were excited, too.) We sold our futons on Craigslist. We bought couches. We grew tomato plants in pots on the porch. We continued our walks to Prospect Hill. We talked about things like, “Well, if we ever get engaged…” We hosted our first seder. (In the infamous Pesach Grease Fire of 2007, the shank bone went up in a blaze of glory!) Our parents, your grandparents, met over Thanksgiving dinner. In January 2008, we got engaged. That August, we got married. And when we decided to take the suburbs for a test drive, that “not-to-be-missed, old, Victorian home?” We missed it. Plenty.

We rented a two-bedroom with a garage at the end of a cul-de-sac in a burb west of Boston. We moved there for the excellent school district and because (could it be?!) we might have our first child there! We walked someplace new: a “peaceful spot,” a perch overlooking the Charles River where you could sit and watch folks canoeing. We walked there a lot. We talked about things like, “Well, if we ever have a baby…” We hosted our parents for Passover. Nothing caught fire. I graduated from law school. I passed the bar. We changed jobs. We bought a dining room set. We tried to get pregnant. We tried again and again and again. (Ewww, Mom! Please, G-d, no.) It didn’t work. Again and again and again. There, we confronted Infertility. In that place, we were so happy. In that place, we were so sad.

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We pressed on the way we supposed we were supposed to. If we were grown-up enough for Infertility, we were grown-up enough for home ownership, right? Trouble is, we couldn’t afford a place of our own in that excellent school district in the burb west of Boston. So we moved back in the direction of the old, Victorian home and we did the very best we could. Which was pretty freaking good. We bought our first place, a town home off the Minuteman Trail, a proper urban retreat. We spent almost no time reveling in how dope it was that we didn’t have to ask anybody’s permission to paint the walls. We were too busy trying/failing to get knocked up.

There, in the place Bubbie dubbed “la casita” – a euphemism for “Holy shit, this place is small!” – our office was a pop-up shooting gallery, that spot where your dad mixed meds and I injected myself with fertility drugs. In that place, we were Infertile. In that place, we were pregnant. In that place, we weren’t. In that place we were pregnant (and so on and on). There, we told your grandparents the whole sordid story. We told them the news of you. They cried. They cheered. Before it came to be that my belly was an obstruction and my legs couldn’t hold us, we took long walks along that bike path and talked about things like, “I wonder what this kid’s going to be like?!” and “I can’t wait to meet her!” (Eventually, we resumed those walks from our town home to the “coffee store,” walked there every day, day after day, pushing a carriage, until you were eleven months old and I returned to work and, after that, every single weekend.) We ate Jade Garden. Your dad painted the office, your nursery, lime green. He pieced together your crib. We spent a night in labor on the couch in the living room, you and me.

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Dad and I brought you home. There, I was your mom. There, we were parents. There, we were Survivors. There I used to snuggle you and rock you and feed you. There we scratched your initials in wet concrete below the back porch. There you were a baby, a toddler. There, you paid daily visits to a neighbor’s wee little garden to see the clay owl and hedgehog statues she situated among the shrubbery. (We couldn’t leave the house without first saying goodbye. Our last goodbye was tough.) There, you went trick-or-treating. There we hosted your grandparents and great-grandparents for birthdays and long weekends. There, we dreamed about that someplace where we’d never have to tell you to shush because your neighbors wouldn’t live close enough to wake. Our family was complete and it was growing. Every single day it grew because we did. We three? We knew. We knew in our guts we’d outgrown “la casita.”

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So, that summer-turned-fall-turned-winter, with Dad working in the center of the state, with you pre-schooling there, with a hankering for a place, the place, as large and warm and wonderful as our love, we listed “la casita” and commenced a search for our new forever someplace, the home in which we’d become older people, then old people, then memories, then curiosities. It wasn’t easy. Our first almost-forever-home was a cape on a huge plot of land on a rambling country rode. (The inspection revealed well water contaminated with other people’s poop.) Our second almost-home was a mid-entry in a planned community with an average-sized yard abutting others just like it. (What set the place apart was the crazy-ass selling it. At long last, he decided to push out our closing date in an attempt to screw over the wife we didn’t know he was divorcing until it was too late, until we were way in it and so, so sad to see it slip through our fingers.) We’d go on to visit dozens and dozens of other perfectly lovely places before doing our due diligence by one we’d bypassed altogether early on in a busy, downtown historic district: an oversized, hunter green colonial across a cobblestone courtyard from a two-story barn of the same color. Your “farm.” Circa 1812.

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On your third night in this place which will serve as a backdrop for lots and lots of those things you’ll remember about being a little kid, you professed to love it here. “My new green house.”

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It was built by curiosities, owned by women – a long line of women (recall the Nineteenth Century, behold my surprise)! – who raised daughters, whose daughters grew up and called “the green house” a memory. Their names were committed to a scrap of looseleaf paper by the previous owner. (An orphanage? A boarding house? A place for scarlet ladies both isolated and on display?) Women. And it strikes me as special, it strikes me as powerful, that you should share it with them.

In this place, which stands on your parents’ memories, in this place which is mysterious and familiar, we are home.

Welcome, child.

Love,

Mama

Posted in Humor, Infertility, Parenting/Infant, Parenting/Toddler, Pre-Conception, Pregnancy | 1 Comment

All good: Lessons in grown-up gratitude.

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Dear Kid,

We were this close to the farm. This close to selling our town home in the city and sealing the deal on a beautiful cape on a couple of acres of land in the center part of the state. (A nice backdrop for your future and/or good place to plant some tomatoes.) In any event, in one week in August 2014, we learned more than we ever cared to know about fecal coliform (look that one up/don’t: it’s bacteria found in crap), negotiated our right to clean drinking water, saw our buyer walk without another word and promptly re-listed the town home, which has seen a trickle of prospective buyers since but none so committed to the idea as to write us an offer. At present, the future of the cape on those couple of acres of land in the center part of the state, the one we’re buying contingent on the sale of the town home in metro Boston, is at stake. Lots of our things are in storage including, most noticeably, my cool-weather clothes and a second couch so that, every night, Dad and I squish sideways on the sofa and complain about our aching backs.

Meanwhile, you like it here. You really like it. Here is the only home you’ve ever known.

I think we can learn a lot from you: The way you proclaim to be “almost there” when you hit the Concord rotary 20 minutes away, the way you announce your arrival in the parking lot (“Elbee’s house! I’m hooooome!”), the way you point out the mundane and familiar and get excited to see them – bus stops, recycling trucks, “the coffee store,” our neighbors. You don’t mind the way we’re uprooted at dinner time because someone wants access to our place (“I love going to my restaurant! It’s so fun!”) or the way we’re forced at all times to keep our house like the Pope is coming to dinner even when it’s unclear why he’d frequent the table of a random Jewish family. You keep on singing your “clean up” song and organizing your puzzles. It’s all good.

It really is, too.

The other morning, you woke before the sun. You told me you wanted to listen to the pigeons out the window, but it was dark and it was raining so that even the rodents of the bird family had the good sense to keep to their nests. We peeked out Mama’s little bedroom window overlooking the street, stop lights in the distance – not much to see –  and listened to it rain. I wanted to say it, but you said it first.

“This is so nice!”

Of course, the house had nothing to do with it. The house didn’t matter. What mattered was our little family: that time we spent just being, just being happy.

I remembered back to when, before there was you, Dad and I reached the place where, convinced there was going to be no you, we knew we were going to be just fine anyway. If we never met, we wouldn’t have any idea what we were missing. Now that we have, we know our world will never be the same.

So if our “farm” remains the garden window (the dwarf sunflower we grew to prove to ourselves we had green thumbs), if your back yard is the park you share with playmates you just met, if a drive to the country (or, um, Lexington) is special for the way you get to see the stars and hear the quiet, if the sound of traffic is your white noise and if navigating a too-crowded coffee shop is so second nature that, even at two, you get right in line and wait your turn because – guess what? – it’s coming eventually… it’s all good.

Let go, let G-d. And while (S)He’s getting to it, I’m glad we’ve got each other.

XO,

Mama

Posted in Infertility, Judaism, Parenting/Toddler | Leave a comment

With an oink, oink here.

Dear Kid,

This one day you professed to want a farm. A place to raise a pig. And probably not the sort that walks around on a leash, either. Probably the sort that lives in a barn and takes mud baths and drinks from a trough. And before I realized what I was saying, I said it: That sounds great. Pigs are nice. But it all depends on the space. It might have to be a couple of chickens. Or a dog. 

I’d spent half my life living the dream of a small-town kid with sights fixed on the big city: a place where sometimes-moody-looking people wear fashionable clothes and walk extra fast and ride subway trains and aren’t afraid of getting mugged because they’re the Einsteins of street-smart. They order fancy espresso beverages at too-crowded coffee counters, kvetch about traffic and readily give directions from any number of destinations to any number of others. Excepting the part about the fashionable clothes (which I outgrew when I grew my baby belly and never grew into again), that was me. I’d arrived. I was a first-rate city slicker.

And I wasn’t bullshitting you: That farm sounded great. It had been a tough couple of years complicated by the way we city folk are hard-pressed for peace and quiet. Plus I heard so much excitement in your voice, saw the way your face lit up when you talked about trees and a back yard and, at once, I wanted it, too. I wanted to know my friendly neighbors. I wanted off the subway and on a riding mower. I wanted to walk instead of run, press pause, slow it down. For it was all moving by too quickly.

The evolution of you: Your three- and four-word sentences became eight, nine and ten. You learned that using a telephone involves holding it to your ear and maintaining your end of the conversation. (“Hello, Daddy! It’s me, Elbee.”) You peed on a potty chair. You sat through your first feature-length movie. (And then you sat through it again.) You memorized a poem that somewhat perfectly summarizes what you’ve made of your young life. (A.A. Milne’s “Happiness.”)  You colored pictures that looked like something, if still wildly abstract and in need of explanation. (The red circle was Elmo. The purple square a cupcake. Elmo felt like sweets for dinner.) You professed to like some things “a lot” (chocolate, ice cream cones, Pooh Bear, Olaf, dirt, trees, insects, beaches, parks) and other things “not at all” (meat, naps, loud noises). You began asking questions: Who’s that? Why? Are you ok? Five more minutes? Later? Please?! You reasoned in that way that suggests you’re a little bit weird and a whole lot wonderful: I didn’t live in a belly. I met Mommy in the ocean! We were swimming and swimming and I said, ‘Hi, Mommy! I’ll keep you!’ And then we came home – and now I live here. You sang in tune. You rolled your eyes. You staged tea parties for your Cabbage Patch dolls.

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Looking at you, I could scarcely get over how much you’d changed from that itty bitty baby into a growin’-up girl, the way you were becoming more and more yourself with each passing minute and how, if it was possible, I loved you even more at two than when we first met. Plus I really liked you: If you wanted a farm, I wanted you to have it.

So shortly after your second birthday, Dad and I set out to identify, if not a farm, a detached home with a yard big enough for a couple of chickens. Or a dog. In step with researching public school districts, I Googled up on livestock regulations in our target market – a half hour (and change) from the city I knew like the back of my hand and had grown to love considerably less than you.

Now don’t start mourning my loss of self, for it turns out it’s not like that.

The evolution of me: More important to me than the midnight ristretto doppio at 20, is being your mom at 30-[cough]. I want to take my time with it, take my time with you. And I want a next great adventure: the sort we three can have together. I want the farm and the pigs and the trees and the yard that makes you smile and makes it so we get to enjoy seeing you so glad.

The evolution of us. I can’t wait. I can. I don’t know the first thing about farming. Maybe we can learn?

To two. Happy birthday, sweet pea.

Love,

Mama

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In your mama’s house: Free to be.

Dear Kid,

We were visiting the zoo last Saturday when we passed this family: Mom, dad, two kids. One of them, a toddler a little older than you, was being pushed around in this monstrosity of a wheelchair equipped with wires and doodads as seemingly complex as her health. She wore enormous hearing aids and pink coke-bottle glasses. You stopped in your tracks to stare, quizzical, as she passed. “Pink glasses!” you hollered. I resisted the urge to hurry you on your way. I checked embarrassment, for there was no need.

You weren’t passing unfair judgment, after all. You were taking notice. “Yes,” I said. “She has pink glasses. Do you like them?” Yes, you said. You liked them so much, in fact, that you wanted them for yourself. “No,” I said. “She needs them to see. But I can get you your own pair of pink sunglasses if you want.” And you did. In parting, you hollered your truth: I like glasses, girl! I get my own glasses, girl! 

You didn’t care that a portable ventilator made it impossible for her to answer back. You paid your compliment. I hoped you’d carry this same sense of keen observation sans hurtful prejudice, a hallmark of toddlers everywhere, for the rest of your days.

I thought to it when, yesterday, some poster nutbag shot up a JCC in Kansas City. By the time you’re old enough to read and understand any of what I’m about to say, it’ll be old news. Some other poster nutbag will have replaced him in the headlines. And when that day comes, may you never let fear leave you voiceless and paralyzed. For as long as you’ve got the opportunity to speak (your) peace, rest assured, somebody out there is counting on your big mouth.

And well they should. Because you know better. We taught you there’s no good gonna come of treating people like the lesser. You will notice difference. You will respect it. Unless you can’t and sometimes you shouldn’t. (Enter the poster nutbag.) You’ll notice the subtle intolerance as well as the active hate, too. It’ll get you all fired up. You won’t stand for it. You’ll challenge hard and often. You’ll hold people accountable. Maybe even me. And, when that day comes, I’m going be so proud. You’re going to join your voice with other voices for good, and you’re going to behold the transformation.

It’s slow. It’s real. It’s not without reminders that there’s plenty of work to be done: Some so-called “Christian” stands outside a wedding chapel championing marriage as between a man and a woman and making an ill-timed scene as a perfectly lovely same-sex couple is trying to have a day. A brown-skinned guy gets arrested on suspicion of terrorism for being a brown-skinned guy close by somewhere a bomb went off. An e-mail circulates “accusing” the President of the United States of practicing Islam as if it were true (or a bad thing). A YouTube video calls to question whether his wife is actually a woman. A black kid wearing a hoodie gets shot for being a black kid wearing a hoodie. A woman gets raped anywhere in the world for…? The list goes on.

Lots of what I know about tolerance I learned, ironically, from a bigot, who also happened to be your great-great grandma. Sadly, she was dead before she got to see me turn into a terrible disappointment: the sort who has black friends, the sort who champions everybody’s right to love or marry whomever they want so long as they’ve reached the age of majority, the sort who converts to Judaism, marries a first-generation American/Hispanic (and a Southerner!) and raises a kid on feminist storybooks and truth.

The ‘n’ word was her favorite racial slur. I never bought that bullshit that she was too old to know better, either, and I told her so. I told her she was all mixed up, and that she made herself sound as ignorant as she was. I also told her I loved her. I told her I loved her because it must have been true. I cared enough to keep a careful eye on her. Seriously. I was taking it in. She was largely friendless, so no surprise, she didn’t actually know a single African-Amercan, a single Hispanic, a single Jew though she passed misguided judgements against all. She knew a gay person but pretended like she didn’t know she did. (“My neighbor Claire lives over there with her very best friend! But don’t get the wrong idea.” And, the litmus test for gaydom: “They look like women, those two, and they live like sisters!”)  Her negativity was pervasive. Her intolerance was intolerable.

And every subsequent generation agreed, taking steps away from ostracizing the “other,” welcoming, embracing, becoming.

May you always know that your home, this home, is one which is open to anyone who brings peace and love. May you speak freely. May we discuss. May we learn. May you feel only the usual first-meeting jitters if you care to introduce your dad and me to your Baptist Black-Asian girlfriend or boyfriend or seriously-truly best friend because nobody you know has to make believe for nothing. You make them feel comfortable. The way they are is, very likely, the way they’re supposed to be – and it’s just fine.

The way you are is just fine, too. And when (not if, when) somebody tells you otherwise, I hope you give your Mama the opportunity to join her voice with yours: to talk back (loud, often), refuse to be held back…to celebrate our freedom now, forever, together.

Chag sameach, baby girl!

Mama

Posted in Judaism, Parenting/Toddler | 1 Comment

This year in Jerusalem.

Dear Kid,

Recently, with the brutal honesty of one who hasn’t yet learned to fib and the unwavering trust of one for whom the whole world is still the stuff of magic, you told me to expect a special guest at our holiday table. No question, Elijah, the great Jewish tooth fairy, was coming to Pesach dinner.

And despite my feeling like maybe it’s more the thought that counts – that maybe (probably) the story of this never-dead prophet who foretells messianic redemption is a whole lot of metaphor and very little hard fact – I believed you. Not humored you. Believed you, mind.

This is roughly how it went down.

It was bath time which, in our house, doubles as story time. Each evening, I sit, perched tub side, with book in hand. The other night, it was a children’s story about a family who’s expecting company. They’re hosting a Passover seder, and they’re setting a table full of prayer books and traditional foods arranged just so on a seder plate. Family and friends arrive. They say the ritual blessings. At the end of the meal, the dad in the story pours a symbolic cup of wine for Elijah, the prophet-figurehead who, to simplify radically, is to usher in a new era. Storybook dad proceeds to the front door and opens it, an act to signal the letting in of the prophet (and/or, as my liberal Jewish sentiment holds, the future…a reminder that, amidst a whole lot of reflecting back on the places we’ve been, we ought to consider where we’re going and how we intend to get there.) But, when dad opens the door, he lets in not the prophet but the family’s own indoor-outdoor cat. All the little children hoot and holler. That’s not Elijah! Then they eat some dessert.

I mused out loud, “Do you think he’ll drink our wine and come to our seder, Elbee?”

You didn’t answer. Not right away. You were busy palpating the gills of a rubber fish. A full five minutes passed before you replied, “Yes.”

“Yes, what?” I asked. I’d forgotten my own question.

“Elijah come!” you squealed.

“What?!” I heard you, but I wanted to be sure. It was akin to saying you saw dead people. Except not dead. Never dead.

“Elijah drink wine!”

“With us?”

“Yeah with us! Elijah drink it! Yum!”

Matter-of-fact, like “grass is green.” Elijah drink it. Yum. 

My daughter the seer? Unlikely.

My daughter the visionary? No doubt. You never fail to see what your grown-ups miss.

For though I trust that your father and I will be literally to thank for the dearth of drink at the close of our seder, I have no doubt you’re right: Elijah’s coming to dinner. The hope he stands for lives in us, lives in you: an ordinary-extraordinary little person with big insight.

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I know it not because my world is still the stuff of magic but because it isn’t – and because, sometimes, hope is all we have. If you ain’t got the hope, you ain’t got nothin’. And you’re it. You’re proof. You’re a kid nature said shouldn’t have been but Science + Something Bigger Than Myself (the something some people call G-d and other people call Allah and other people call Pasta) said, “That’s just bullshit,” and so you were.  The future’s you, kid… a mystery-trip of human life unfolding right before my very eyes.

Elijah’s coming to dinner.

This year in Jerusalem!

Love,

Mama

Posted in Infertility, Judaism, Parenting/Toddler | Leave a comment

Our beautifuls.

Dear Kid,

When you were brand new, we examined the whole of you, marveled at this small person: our daughter. Your mop of shiny, black hair…little ears, a tiny nose, pouty lips, balled up fingers, a birthmark on your right hand and, on the underside of your left wrist, a roughly two-inch patch of depigmentation. Marks of distinction.

Like you, they had a story.

When I was pregnant, Dad and I determined to do the panoply of genetic screening to determine that you wouldn’t be born debilitated or too sick to see a first birthday. And one of those early tests, a screen for spina bifida, came back out of range. Eventually we’d repeat the test and determine, though never with complete certainty, that things were probably ok. (“Ok” as in you probably didn’t have spina bifida, but you might have a cleft lip or a birth mark, either of which could have generated the false positive.) We could live with this – and so could you.

Which never guaranteed you’d go your whole entire life in blissful ignorance of the stuff that makes you different. Which never guaranteed you’d actually like those birth marks.

Still, I was secretly hoping. So I promised myself as a poured over your new baby body that I’d remind you, whenever it happened that you needed reminding, that, look, it’s like this: You’re a spectacle. And you’re spectacular.

So it was that, a few weeks back, you were having a bath when you noticed that little birth mark and tried with all your might to scrub it off with a bath-mit. No, we said. That’s you.

“Ic-ky?”

No, you. Not icky.

“Doity?”

Not dirty, you. Beautiful. That’s your beautiful, said Daddy.

“Boo-ful?” You stared, calculated our veracity. Could it be?

Beautiful.

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You smiled. And so it was that I began methodically pointing to each freckle, age spot, wrinkle, laugh line, post-nursing breast, soft belly, spider vein, stubbly leg and frizzy hair I had to show for myself. “See? Mama’s got beautifuls, too! We all do. Aren’t we beautiful?”

“Yeah! Boo-ful! Boo-ful: Elbee! Boo-ful: Daddy! Boo-ful Mama!”

And for the first time in my whole entire life I believed it because you did. Also, because I realized it’s goddamned true.

We are, each of us, exactly as we should be. We’re beautiful, kid. (Not flawless, mind. Beautiful.) We’re beautiful because we’re human. We’re beautiful because ain’t nobody else like us. We’re beautiful because G-d paints in color. We’re beautiful because we played so hard we scraped up our knees, laughed till our faces got stuck that way, thought so smart we got other people thinking, lived to be new enough that everyone and everything was the loveliest we ever saw, old enough to see things that made our hair turn pale, bold enough to speak our truths.

This is mine:  You are the single most beautiful thing I ever saw.

Love,

Mama

Posted in Parenting/Toddler | 2 Comments

F(eats).

Dear Kid,

Once a week, your occupational therapist sends home a carbon-copied progress report on a yellow piece of paper. Once a week, she tells me what I already know about you. You’re “atypical.” Of course, she’s talking about your meal-time behavior: The way most kids can chew and swallow a variety of tastes and textures and temperatures and you can’t. As for me, I’m contemplating the essence of you…the way you’re original.

We did our best to make meal time “fun.” Fun, for whom, we weren’t sure but it was just what the OT ordered. This once, I danced in wild circles to a backdrop of “Hungry Like the Wolf,” while I plated some apricots you wanted but couldn’t eat. You gave it a try. You gagged the way you always did and asked for more. Eventually, because it was the last resort, I handed you the bottle full of formula you preferred to the sippie cup you struggled to manipulate.

And after we were, each of us in her own right, sufficiently exhausted for the struggle, I set aside your tray, released you to the living room, and we danced. We danced and we danced and we danced to pop, hip hop, rockabilly, reggae, kids’ classics. Song after song, you threw your body into the music like the next goddamned Mia Michaels: feeling every note, moving with it, moved by it.

When Katy Perry roared, so did you. And as if to drive home the point that even if you never got to “typical” you’d still be totally ok, you turned to the tray full of apricots, directing your performance at your food. It was hysterical. It was heartbreaking. “R-r-r-r-r-r-roar.”  And, hell, even if that yellow piece of paper declared you just like every kid for whom the act of eating isn’t scary or painful – even if declared Daddy and me just like every parent who could go ahead and take for granted the fact that their kid would get through dinner sans G-Tube or Heimlich maneuver – you’d be this: a force, a movement.

I could have watched this routine forever: Little arms extended, head rolling, body bent at hips, hands to floor, reach for the stars, laugh. The irony: You only stopped dancing to feed your Cabbage Patch doll a make-believe meal from a miniature bottle. “Baby, eat!”

At sixteen-months-old you were tossing around some 70+ nouns and a handful of adjectives. Eat: Your first verb.  It might have been “walk,” or “jump” or “dance,” or “poop” but it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t. You perceived your world as truly and deeply as someone beyond her year.

And I knew then (or maybe I just remembered) that you were extra special. I say it less because I’m your mother and more because it’s true. I hope that however your little life unfolds, that when you’re up against a formidable foe, when somebody tells you you can’t, when you wonder whether it’s possible, when you’re feeling kind of scared, when getting through the day is a freaking feat, that you always answer back with so fierce and mean a roar…that you move and you shake and you take your place, that you perceive that you are as deeply loved as all this.

Get it, girl.

Love,

Mama

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